A fresh year.
Coming to us smelling of hope and excitement.
A time for resolutions that this time we will surely keep.
This time is THE time.
Or at least that's what we think until roughly two weeks from now when all resolve is out the window and we're right back to eating Lindt truffles in the bathroom with the door closed, breathing as shallowly as we can as to not alert the children to our whereabouts.
I'm as guilty as the lot of you.
And don't pretend you're immune.
Vowing total nonsense like,
"I'll eat only carrots from now until the end of time", or,
"I'll be able to ooze peace and tranquility at every moment.
A virtual pillar of calm.
Wearing weird golden headbands with my eyelids at constant half mast" and the like.
Who am I kidding?
That's not the truth.
It's just that we struggle with being honest with ourselves.
Exhibit A -
I've been on Weight Watchers for three months now,
and I'm already struggling with journaling my food.
A mere three months.
which is the very basis of Weight Watchers.
Yet, somehow, all I managed to record today was the date and two eggs.
Maybe it's all just too lofty.
Maybe I've been aiming too high.
It's scary to jump into deep waters.
It is NOT, however, scary to wade in to your ankles with water wings on.
have decided to make 2013's list more achievable.
Surely this will lead to an accomplished sense of my year, come the start of 2014.
(2014, which will be great all on its own for the mere fact that there will be a new Target within two miles of me, and also the year that Breaking Bad finally - for the love of God - returns from its hiatus,
but that is a whole other Oprah.)
SO here it is.
My list of resolutions.
1) I, Kerri Green, so solomnly promise to actually take the things upstairs that I put on the stairs to take up.
Laundry, shoes, toys, pop-bead bracelets.
I will not even have Alena always do it to get around the technicality of this resolve.
2) When I tell my kids "This is the last time I'm saying it," it's going to be.
If you say, "We aren't putting our fingers in other people's noses" more than one time, then actually, yes we ARE putting our fingers in other people's noses. A lot.
Stop the madness.
3) I will make desperate attempts to not spill something on every single thing I wear.
90% of my clothing has a mystery stain dead center.
Justin is constantly picking at my clothing.
That's just unacceptable.
I do know, because of money and time and my status as a mother of four I will never again be fashion magazine ready.
I can, however, be suitable to appear in, well,
4) I will put a cap on my baby pajama buying compulsions.
I will at least try.
Unless there is a really good sale at Carters.
Or unless they involve some sort of image of a fat animal.
I am powerless against fat animals.
Especially fat WOODLAND animals.
In that event,this resolution is void and don't you dare judge me.
5) I will post even MORE pictures of my kids on Facebook.
Why pretend I even want to stop?
Why fight it?
Be prepared for upwards of 4000 images, people.
Consider their cherubic faces medicine to your soul.
If you don't.....Sucks for you.
6) I will stop harassing Justin about his gas light being CONSTANTLY on.
Even though he works at a place that sells DISCOUNTED gas.
Even though it's
Every. Single. Day.
If he wants to be stranded in the middle of his drive to work and ruin his fuel injected engine, and he's forced to work a second job to pay a car payment on a new car, leaving him so exhausted he wishes for swift death,
so be it.
We all have different aspirations.
Who am I to crush his dream?
7) I will only allow, at most, THREE layers of clothes on the top of my dresser at any given time.
More than Justin would like, yet fewer than would require a retaining wall.
8) No more short order cook.
So what if you want eggs and she wants oatmeal?!
You're both getting cereal because I said so.
And if you look at me wrong for it, it's a dreaded BREAKFAST BURRITO for you, Miss.
9) Earlier to bed for me.
Not to be mistaken for EARLY.
I mean, I'm not 80.
Let's not get ridiculous.
As in, early enough to avoid the running commentary on how "red and cracky" my eyes are all the time.
10) I, Kerri, resolve to continue finding the funny in my crazy everyday life as to entertain the masses.
It is my duty.
I believe it is.