Thumb-Down to Top-Up

I had to call Virgin Mobile tonight.
Calling tech-support is the bane of my very existence.

Justin and I, and our po-dunk roots are ghetto, and we have only recently even stepped up from flip phones with 1.5 inch screens.
The switch was prompted by looking around at dinner one night as all our friends watched the latest You-Tube video on their iPhones and we just sat picking our teeth, unable to watch You-Tube on phones that were less technologically advanced than Etch-a-Sketches.

We upgraded, and therefore now have the ever illustrious pay-as-you-go plan that requires "Top-Up" cards be purchased once a month at Target and then loaded onto our accounts in order for our phones to work at all.
It's cheap, and cheap is good;
But it's ghetto.

Last night I had purchased said cards and applied them to our phones online.
I have done it multiple times.
I'm no Steve Jobs, but I'm no chimpanzee, either.
I had made sure to read the
"Congratulations! Your Top-Up is complete!" message after both Top-Ups, and rejoiced the next day when my phone was working again.

Justin, however, was not so lucky.

His phone said it was out of minutes still.
He'd tried to text me twice today and the text just got bounced back.

So I called them and I tapped my fingers.

Just like I had called last month when I added minutes and for some reason the minutes I'd added to his phone had been added to mine,
resulting in me having double the minutes I needed and him having none.

It had taken 3 Indian men and a prayer to a cow to figure it out and transfer the minutes from my account to his.

They told me I must have keyed something in wrong.

I told THEM, "False."

This time when I called I got a sweet little woman, at least a continent away, who I can only guess was new, and who promised
"I will try and be doing everything in my power to be of assistance to you with your troubles."

Golly.
Thanks.

THESE are the events which followed:


AGENT: "HOW MAY I BE HELPING YOU, MAAM?"

ME: "Well, yesterday I bought two top-up cards. One for my phone and one for my husband's. When I brought home the top-up cards and applied them online, it said everything had been successful, but today my husband's phone is not working. When I applied the cards last month, this same thing happened. It ended up that, for some reason, both top-up cards had been applied to MY phone only, and then he had no minutes."

AGENT: "I WILL BE SEEING WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. MAY I HAVE THE PIN NUMBER FROM THE TOP UP CARD?"

ME: "Do you want the numbers from BOTH cards, or just one?"

AGENT: "OH. YOU SAY YOU HAVE TWO CARDS, MAAM?"

ME: "Yes. That's what I said."

*TYPING*

This is when I explained my whole first paragraph, in entirety, again, and read off the numbers.

ME: "147278378983."
AGENT: "OK. THAT'S '147228378983."
ME: "No. I'll read it again. ONE. FOUR. SEVEN. TWO. SEVEN. EIGHT. THREE. SEVEN. EIGHT. NINE. EIGHT. THREE."
AGENT: "I AM VERY SORRY. I SEEM TO BE MISSING A NUMBER."

I read it again.

Four times.

AGENT: "I AM SORRY, MAAM, BUT IN MY SYSTEM, I AM SHOWING THAT THAT TOP-UP NUMBER HAS ALREADY BEEN USED."

ME: "I know. That is because I used it. Yesterday. When I bought the cards. I went online and used the cards and it told me my top-up was successful."

*pause*

*TYPING*

AGENT: "OH! I AM SEEING, MA'AM. THE PROBLEM I HAVE DETECTED IS THAT THIS ACCOUNT IS ALSO REGISTERED TO KERRI GREEN."

ME: "That is ME. *I* am Kerri Green."

*pause*


AGENT: "MAAM, I AM VERY SORRY BUT YOUR HUSBAND'S ACCOUNT IS SHOWING THAT IT HAS NO MINUTES AVAILABLE, AND BOTH OF THE TOP-UP CARD NUMBERS YOU HAVE GIVEN ME ARE SHOWING UP THAT THEY HAVE BEEN USED."

ME: "That is EXACTLY why I'm calling. Because yesterday I bought two top-up cards and put them on the phones, but one phone is working and the other isn't. I am suspecting that the same thing happened that happened last month, which is that both top up cards got applied to my phone number by mistake, and none got applied to his."

AGENT: "ARE YOU ABLE TO REPEAT THAT PIN NUMBER FOR ME MAAM?"

ME: "I'm sorry. What was that? I was busy jabbing out my eardrums with a burning hot poker. Can you repeat the question?"

AGENT: "I'M AFRAID I CANNOT GET YOUR HUSBAND'S PHONE WORKING IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY MINUTES PURCHASED, MAAM."

ME: "But I DID purchase minutes. I purchased TWO CARDS. I think both cards got put on my phone and none ended up on his. I need to transfer minutes from my phone to his phone."

*TYPING*
*MORE TYPING*

AGENT: "CAN YOU BE HOLDING ON FOR JUST ONE MINUTE, MAAM? I AM GOING TO TRY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR ISSUE. I AM THANKING YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE."

Here is where I paused for NOT just one minute, but 10.
Finally, she came back on the line.

AGENT: "MAAM, SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, MAAM. I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND WHAT IS CAUSING YOUR ISSUE, MAAM. IT APPEARS THAT WHAT HAS HAPPENED IS THAT WHEN YOU ADDED MINUTES WITH THE TOP-UP CARDS YESTERDAY, FOR SOME REASON BOTH TOP-UP CARD AMOUNTS WENT ONTO YOUR PHONE AND YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T GET ANY."

Oh
for
the
love
of
GOD.

ME: "That is what I said in the beginning! Can I please transfer the minutes?!"

AGENT: "PLEASE HOLD FOR JUST A MINUTE, MAAM, AND I WILL TRANSFER YOU TO THE DEPARTMENT THAT CAN HANDLE THAT FOR YOU. I HOPE I HAVE ASSISTED YOU WITH EXCELLENCE."

Transfer music.

Poking out of eyeballs with mechanical pencil.

Wishing for a wood chipper to stick my head into.

Then it came.
The voice of true help!
Could it be?!
The right department for all of my needs?!

AGENT 2: "HELLO, MAAM. HOW MAY I BEING OF ASSISTANCE TODAY?"

ME: "Well, you see, yesterday I bought two-top up cards........"