Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bloodhound Retirement

I have figured out that it is a reoccurring theme in my life to be forced to look for something that someone else lost.

Today, It was Justin's wedding band.
This morning he came downstairs with a worried expression saying that he had just realized that after he (and this is where my confusion started)
"let Tessa play with his wedding ring last night"
he never got it back.

I stood there for a second soaking it in.
Trying to work out in my mind why on earth you would give a two year old something that cost $500, is a symbol of your vows, and is also the size of a quarter.
I don't even give her more than 20 raisins at a time because I don't trust what she'll do with them.

I flashed to the Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray loses his ring in a motel room because he took it off to spin it. Yeah. Spin it.
But I don't want to be Deborah, so I told him we'd find it, that it couldn't have gone far, etc. and promised to help.

He was clearly frazzled.
A fact that was not aided any by him following this confession of loss with an attempt to make a smoothie and having the blender blink "error" repeatedly after one pulse.
He unplugged it. Plugged it back in. Unplugged it. Plugged it back in.
He then pushed 18 buttons at once like a crazy person and then
he gave up and decided to drink it half blended with big chunks of ice still in it. This is when he found that he had forgotten to add the protein powder.
It was just milk, ice, bananas and a glob of half mixed peanut butter.
Justin doesn't do well with things like this.
This "ring/smoothie incident" could possess the power to ruin his entire day, which would then ruin MY entire day.

He was storming around the kitchen randomly opening drawers for no reason, and when he gets like that I take it upon myself to bear the burden of coming to the rescue.
I tie on my cape, put all half smoothies in airtight containers and freeze them, and then I make it my mission to find the ring and save the day like Wonder Wife.

I searched all morning to no avail. I mean SEARCHED.

I then got the brilliant idea to just ask Tessa.
This would have been genius if she were three or four, but she's two and asking a two year old to remember that a booger is not a suitable snack is next to impossible, so asking them to remember the occurrences of the previous day is a fool's game.

"Tessa, do you remember when you had Daddy's ring yesterday?"
"Where did you take Daddy's ring? We really need it back."

Then she shrugged.

"Did you put it somewhere?"
"I put it on Phoebe's eye." Phoebe is our dog.
"No. That's not it. Where did you set it?"
"I put it under my bed."

This sent me on a wild goose chaise because she had, in fact, NOT put it under her bed at all.
I only found that out after practically turning the crib on its end and shaking it with the strength of the Incredible Hulk.
Wow. I'm strong when I'm on a mission.

"Tessa, It's not under your bed. Can you remember where you put Daddy's ring?"
"It's ..........around."

And then she stuck her finger in her nose, asked for grape juice, and walked away.

As I scoured mixing bowls and dog dishes and crawled on my knees through the entire downstairs looking at toddler level while I prayed that no one was looking into my house through the outside, I thought again about why you would give a toddler a wedding band.

But then I moved on.

I checked the couch cushions. Something that I will never do again without proper hand protection.

It's like a sheep dog did a science experiment in there.

On the up side I DID find the other Snow White figurine that has been the cause for many a battle and now the girls can stop fighting over the one we DID have. I hope.
I felt along blindly.
Is that it? No. That's a bobby pin. Is that it? No. That's some popcorn kernels.
Is that it? No. That's IS that?!

I had just gone through this a couple months before when my mom took off her watch to wash the dishes and then couldn't find it after that.
We looked everywhere and my mom was on repeat with the same phrase over and over daily said in a wistful voice while she gazed off into the distance.
"What do you think became of my watch?........"
Same phrasing.
I was so glad when we could put that behind us.

REALLY glad we found it.
Or, Chloe did, actually, in the entertainment cabinet with the Wii remotes.
Where all watches should go.
I'm sure Tessa was responsible for that one, too.
That, or we need to have my mom tested for Alzheimer's....

And Alena is also CONSTANTLY losing stuff.
Her issue is more because she has mounds of stuff everywhere like a hoarder and it IS kind of hard to find a small hoop earring in piles of paper and silly bands and happy meal toys from 6 years ago.
I'm forever hearing, "Mama, have you seen my __________________." To which I reply,
"Have you checked the bottom of your level 5 hoard?"

My search help even goes back to childhood when it was a regular almost weekly event for my dad to misplace his checkbook.
The whole family would have to drop everything they were doing because undoubtedly he had an appointment somewhere in 5 minutes, stop and look for it like some sad Easter egg hunt where all you get are some grass allergy welts from wading around the field in chest-high grass looking for a wallet that MAY have been dropped while on a horse-back ride.
Only to find it after you give up and it's getting dark somewhere in the house.

I just don't personally lose things very often.
I have a place for things and that's where I put them.

This afternoon we still hadn't found the ring.
I looked through my jewelry box for a makeshift one for now for him to wear for when he goes to the gym.
I like him to have a "hands off" symbol, at least, even if I have to draw one on with Sharpie.
I've seen the way some of those girls at the gym parade about.
I don't trust anyone who comes in full makeup and leaves with it still in tact.
I'll take them out ninja style.
Anyone who knows me knows this is truth.

I didn't find one, though.
I didn't think he'd want to wear one made of abalone shells or a 3 inch turquoise stone.
That might be hands off for the girls but you never know what that might do for some of the MEN there....
Justin has been known to attract his fair share.

I got the kids down for their nap and I resumed my looking. Driving myself CRAZY trying to find it, all the while getting more and more upset that he'd given it to her in the first place.
Meanwhile he slept on the couch as I broke into a sweat scouring, dumping, sorting through bins and bins of tiny plastic toys and figurines.

Both of our mouths were open.
Mine because I was panting,
his because - well - that's how he sleeps.


The doorbell rang. A daycare mom to pick up her child.
I let her in and then he appeared with sleepy glazed eyes holding up - HIS RING!

Wait. What?
I had looked everywhere.

"Where on EARTH did you find it?!"
"When I woke up from my nap and stood up, I stepped on it."


Standard of me to spend almost my entire day looking for that thing making myself crazy over it while he practically finds it in his sleep.
The next time that ring leaves his finger his flesh better have decayed to just bone.

I am glad he found it, but I have also penned a poem:

Here is a compass.
Here is a map.
Mama's done looking.
Find your own crap.

I crawl my knees bloody while you lay there sleeping
all because you lost something and started moaning and weeping.

I felt bad for you and made your pain my own.
You counted sheep.
I went into "The Zone."

Dumping and rifling, I made myself dizzy
while you didn't even TRY to remotely look busy.

I was just short of descending from the chimney covered in soot
then you just stood up and it stuck to your foot?!

I'm over.
I'm done.
Put things where they go.
Because then when you need them, their location - You'll know!

It's a novel idea. I'm glad your ring's found.
But it's retirement time for Mama Bloodhound.